


Shattered Memories (Yr. 1949)

by prubun



Series: Memories [5]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nationverse, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 05:03:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20902085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prubun/pseuds/prubun
Summary: Memories of the past, even recent memories, can break a man down into a shell of what he once was.





	Shattered Memories (Yr. 1949)

**Author's Note:**

> ##  _At first, he felt saddened — disappointed — by the sight of himself, but then he grit his teeth and stepped into the shower, forcing his grief and pain down with anger, reminding himself of all the people who hurt him, including Ivan._
> 
> ** [Posted: October 5th, 2019] **
> 
> It's 2am and Riley's posting angst, oops.
> 
> In 1949, 2 years after Prussia was abolished, the Cold War is on-going, and Gilbert, after healing some, now represents East Germany while being forced to live in Saint Petersburg with Ivan.
> 
> Written in roughly 6 hours; took me 2 weeks to edit because I'm lazy.
> 
> **Content warning(s): Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fluff.**

Ivan could tell from the moment that Gilbert stepped into his mansion that he hated it there. He wanted to believe that the man was just upset with the events of the past few years — Prussia being officially dissolved, suddenly representing something else, the Cold War, and plenty of other things. Ivan hoped the lack of emotion on Gilbert's face wasn't directly related to him, but he knew that out of everyone he could have been forced to live with, he was the last one that Gilbert wanted; no one would willingly stay in that big cold house.

Gilbert showed no emotion as he brought some of his belongings inside, as Ivan showed him up to his room. Ivan tried his best to make it comfortable for him and made sure there were enough blankets and pillows to keep him warm, which were already laid out on the bed.

That first evening, Gilbert barely ate anything and looked even more pale than he already was. He looked sick, but Ivan knew why. He knew the man was struggling, and he hadn't spoken a word all day. Even though Ivan went out of his way to make him comfortable, to show that he wanted to be friends and that he had no ill intent, it seemed like Gilbert had put up a wall between himself and the rest of the world, encircling himself in the dark, and no one knew what was going on behind it.

"How was the food? Anything you liked?" Ivan asked after he noticed Gilbert had finished eating, hoping to pull something from Gilbert.

"Was it you?" Gilbert finally spoke, his voice ragged and almost weak-sounding. His eyes flashed up to Ivan and burned with anger. Ivan was stunned and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry?"

"Were you responsible for renaming Königsberg?"

Ivan recoiled back slightly. Three years had passed since then; Ivan was surprised and worried to hear Gilbert bring it up.

"I wasn't..." Ivan said and looked down at his empty plate of food. "I'm sorry."

"For what? Renaming my capital? Or for bombing it first?" Gilbert's voice was laced with venom and he had an intense glare aimed at Ivan; he didn't need to see it to feel the heat from his anger. As much as it hurt to be blamed for something he didn't do, Ivan was used to it and knew that it was just misdirected hatred. He wanted to reach out and say that he was against both things and that he was against dissolving Prussia as well, but knowing Gilbert he probably wouldn't believe it.

"I'm sorry," was all Ivan could say.

"Whatever." Gilbert suddenly stood up, the chair made a horrible screech on the tile floor as he did, and he turned away. "Where's the bathroom?" he asked. 

Ivan heard a slightly softer tone for just a moment and he felt like he'd gotten one tiny step closer.

"At the end of the hall. Take a left when you leave here."

Gilbert didn't say anything else and headed for the hall.

"Wait, Gilbert!" Ivan stood up. He wasn't expecting Gilbert to actually stop and look back at him, even though he looked irritated, empty. He swallowed and took a breath. "Feel free to use anything in the bathroom. I bought some soap I thought you'd like, and there are bath bombs if you want to take a bath or something..." He felt awkward speaking so casually to someone who looked like he was stabbing him in his mind.

Gilbert thought for a moment and was just briefly taken aback by Ivan's words. He didn't say anything and continued out of the room.

Ivan sighed and sat back down with a heavy thump. He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up, but he couldn't help but wish that Gilbert would open up to him. He wanted to make him feel at home, that the mansion was a safe place for him, and he hoped that providing basic things for him, maybe he'd slowly feel that way.

Once Gilbert was in the bathroom, he leaned back against the door heavily. It felt like he'd been holding his breath; his chest felt tight and had slight trouble breathing. He walked to the shower and glanced around. There were several bottles of shampoo and conditioner lining the rack hanging in the shower area. Glancing over them, he noticed that most were fruit or mint scents. Again, for just a moment, he was surprised that Ivan thought of him; he liked every scent he saw. Although he had no idea how he knew what kind of shampoo he liked. The thought that maybe Ivan spoke to Ludwig entered his head and he rubbed his temples. In a way, he felt a little twinge of happiness, which he quickly ignored.

After letting the water run for a few moments to warm up, he stripped and turned, placed his hand on the side of the shower to balance himself, ready to enter, but his reflection in a full-body mirror to his left caught his attention and he turned more towards it. His mouth opened slightly and his lip trembled as he looked over the burns over his chest. He looked sickly, weak, disgusting, with scars from slashes and stab wounds long healed, his ribs were visible on his sides and even his chest, showing how thin he'd become in recent years. At first, he felt saddened — disappointed — by the sight of himself, but then he grit his teeth and stepped into the shower, forcing his grief and pain down with anger, reminding himself of all the people who hurt him, including Ivan.

The instant warmth immediately relieved some of the stress he'd felt and he sighed, lolling his head to the side as the water washed down on his neck and chest. His body ached and his mind was hazy, but the warmth took a little bit of that away.

After he spent a few minutes just basking in the water, he ran his finger over the front of each shampoo bottle to read the scents. He picked a mint one, poured it into his palm, and then massaged it into his hair. As his fingers gently rubbed at his scalp, eyes closed, his thoughts began to wander. He couldn't believe that he'd reached a point where he had to live in Russia of all places, and with Ivan too. It wasn't like he was scared of Ivan, not really. The man was just...odd, and had a weird way of attempting to make friends. Gilbert was never sure what he was thinking and even though their nations had been friendly in the past, he was still awkward to be around. The fact that no one wanted him like he was an old toy to be thrown away hurt; not even his own brother stepped up, Russia was where he "belonged," he heard some people say. He was dropped in Ivan's lap, expected to take it in stride and behave while in Russia. He didn't understand why Ivan agreed to house him, though. Maybe just to be creepy; he always did look at him weirdly, Gilbert recalled from the 1700s, and long, long, ago.

He froze, the last of the shampoo washing out. The thoughts of war flashed in his mind. Then the meeting that ended his state; the day that made him scared of what his life would become, or if it would end. As the thoughts and memories poured in, he leaned his forehead against the wall.

_ "By decree of the Allied Control Council, and with the signing of this law today on February 25, 1947, Prussia is hereby officially abolished." _

The words echoed and repeated in his head and his throat tightened, eyes squeezed shut, teeth grit, and tears stung at the corners of his eyes. He could see their faces so vividly as the leaders signed his end; the paper that tore him apart and tossed the pieces to the others, all while he shouted and screamed at them, crying in heartbreak and anger, claiming that they couldn't do it to him. Even as they dragged him out of the room, he still kicked and screamed for his friends, his brother, to stop the signing. 

With a slight jerk, his body leaned against the tiled wall and he began to sniffle and take shaky breathes as he fought back the urge to completely break down and sob, almost beginning to hyperventilate with help from the thick steam around him suffocating him.

He couldn't fight it for long. He collapsed to the tub below as his hands streaked down the wall, leaving lines where the stream was wiped away by his fingertips and palms. His sobs were drowned out by the downpour of water, he choked out sobs and curled up against the bottom of the ceramic tub and let out everything he'd been holding in for the past 3 years.

Eventually, the water grew cold, nearly 2 hours later. He sat with his legs pulled up to his chest and stared dazedly at the drain of the tub. Water from the showerhead was still spitting out freezing water onto his body, his arms were covered in goosebumps and he was shaking from the cold. He felt so empty, the same as that day — completely devoid of happiness and love. He'd heard that crying can sometimes help one feel better, but if anything he felt worse, and felt like a weak fool.

~

Ivan glanced up at the clock on the wall and had to do a double-take. He had lost track of time reading and hadn't realized that so much time had passed since dinner. He then realized that he hadn't seen Gilbert since he left for his shower and hadn't heard him even leave the bathroom. Ivan placed his book down and stood up. Worry filled him as he paced downstairs and he wasn't sure why, he just had a pit in his stomach that made him nervous. Outside he could hear the water still running from inside. He gave a few loud knocks on the door and called his name, but received no answer. His heart dropped into his stomach but he repeated it in case Gilbert couldn't hear because of the water, but again there was no answer. His worry rose higher so he grabbed the doorknob and hoped that it wasn't locked. He twisted it, it opened, and he pushed it open. 

The mirrors weren't steamed up and the air was clear, a sign that the hot water had been off for a while. He stepped towards the shower, which was hidden behind a small wall on the other side of the toilet, and his eyes went down to the curled ball that was Gilbert sitting in the tub.

"Gilbert..." Ivan whispered his name. He didn't hear, or at least didn't show any signs of acknowledgment. When Ivan turned the water off, Gilbert gasped and slowly tilted his head up to him; he looked frightened and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. It hit Ivan then what Gilbert had been doing and he felt awful for letting him suffer alone, even if he knew he couldn't help.

Ivan said his name again and reached to touch his arm. As soon as his fingertips touched his wet skin, Gilbert flinched backward, slapped his hand, and yelled.

"Don't touch me!" He stumbled and fell onto his side, thumping against the tub bottom.

"Careful!" Ivan spoke urgently, concerned for Gilbert's safety. It was hard to see Gilbert like that — broken, crying, naked and vulnerable; the only times he'd ever seen him like that was when Frederick died, and during his abolishment council, and he hated it. "Gilbert please—" He touched Gilbert's shoulder and saw him curl up into a tighter ball.

Ivan retracted himself and sat on the floor. He glanced around and grabbed a towel off the rack, and then draped it over Gilbert's body.

"I'm here if you need me, Gilbert," Ivan said and watched Gilbert's back. "I know you hate him and you'd rather have anyone else here, but..." He sighed and looked down at his lap.

After a few minutes, he heard some squeaking against the tub. Gilbert had sat up and their eyes met. There was no emotion in them — just dead. The towel fell to Gilbert's lap, his body was still covered in water and goosebumps. Ivan moved onto his knees and carefully grabbed the towel.

"Do you want to get out?" he asked. Gilbert stared through him for several seconds before he nodded once. Ivan moved the towel around his shoulders and cautiously like he was handling precious glass, he wrapped one arm around Gilbert's back, the other went behind his knees, and lifted. As he lifted, Gilbert whimpered and pushed on Ivan's chest as if to reject him, but the look on his face wasn't annoyed or angry. He was scared.

Ivan squeezed his arm gently.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Gilbert. I promise you're safe." His words lit Gilbert's ears a little and while he wasn't sure if he should believe him, although he felt a little more at ease and untensed his hand pushing on Ivan's chest. Ivan felt his heart pound a little, but ignored it as he lifted Gilbert from the tub; the man was so light and felt so scrawny and it made Ivan hurt in his chest. To his surprise, Gilbert gripped onto his shirt and leaned his head against his chest. He only hoped that he couldn't feel how fast his heart was beating, but Gilbert could and narrowed his eyes a bit; he wasn't sure what to make of it, he'd never seen this side of Ivan before — the side of him that was so soft and gentle. Gilbert's eyes slid shut as Ivan walked him back to his room.

~

Just down the hall was Gilbert's room, there were boxes and bags of Gilbert's things tossed around in disarray, the contents of them strewn about on the floor and desk. It was highly unusual for Gilbert who was always so tidy and organized. This entire situation had taken a toll on him and it showed in his surroundings. Ivan placed Gilbert on the bed and looked over him. Gilbert had clenched the towel in front of him and held it as if he was trying to get warm.

"Can I...?" Ivan gently tugged on the towel, and actively avoided looking anywhere but Gilbert's face. — the last thing he wanted was for Gilbert to feel even more uneasy around him. Not expecting it, Ivan watched as Gilbert retracted his hands and let Ivan remove the towel. It was cold and instantly Gilbert shivered and grunted in discomfort, so Ivan quickly began to rub the cloth against his arms. It was an odd feeling, Ivan had never dried anyone off other than himself, and for it to be Gilbert of all people — it was strange. Gilbert was a completely different person — he was normally so quick-witted, sassy, and confident. Now he looked so empty and acted so docile as if he had no strength to retaliate or fight.

Ivan rubbed the towel across Gilbert's chest, patted his skin and soon he felt himself blush a little. He couldn't help it at that point and he was reminded of the crush he had on Gilbert back in the 1700s; he still remembered those ridiculous outfits that they wore, and how handsome Gilbert looked in his. It didn't take long for his mind to focus back on his task. Feeling how thin Gilbert had become was worrisome, and he made a mental note of needing to buy more food and healthy food.

Gilbert watched Ivan's face and saw him turn red, but he didn't do or say anything. He wanted to see what Ivan would do while staying cautious and studying his every move. Then, Ivan's hand moved the towel to his legs. For a moment Gilbert's instinct was to stop him, but he saw how gentle Ivan was being and let him proceed. One at a time Ivan dried his calves with such care, but then once he reached up to the knees, he stopped.

"I'll, um, let you do the...the rest..." Ivan let go of the towel and stood up, then turned away shyly. 

Gilbert watched him curiously and not only did he see respect in Ivan's actions, but embarrassment that began to color his ears. It made Gilbert feel safe, and for the first time in a while, he felt an emotion other than sadness — Endearment. 

Slowly, Gilbert dried his thighs and crotch, while Ivan gave him privacy by keeping his eyes on anything other than him. To see the great Ivan, the strong and dark Monster of Russia, so flustered and nervous, was certainly something to witness.

After a few minutes, Ivan looked back at him and saw Gilbert holding the towel over his crotch.

"You need clothes," Ivan said in a rather matter-of-fact tone and began to frantically look around.

Gilbert shook his head.

"Everything's still packed," he said. His voice was a welcome sound even if it was hoarse and raspy. "I just want to sleep."

Ivan nodded a few times as he processed what Gilbert was saying. He stepped up to the side of the bed and pulled down the covers, fluffed the pillows, and turned on the heated blanket.

"I got you the warmest blankets I have. This one is a heated blanket, I thought you might want it..."

Gilbert crawled backward, abandoning the towel and any shame or shyness he felt by being naked and flopped down on his stomach in the spot Ivan cleared for him. Ivan watched Gilbert close his eyes and sigh, then he shifted onto his side and looked up at him. Again, Ivan's heart fluttered. Even so, Gilbert still looked drained and emotionally exhausted.

Ivan reached over him, pulled one blanket over his body, then the heated blanket on top of it, and began to tuck him in. Gilbert still watched him intensely which made Ivan feel nervous and did everything carefully, making sure not to accidentally touch his butt or other places. After he was tucked in, Ivan sighed softly.

"There, try to get some sleep now, okay?" he said and smiled a little. Gilbert said nothing. "Do you...want me to stay until you fall asleep...?" he asked.

Gilbert shifted his eyes away and didn't answer; Ivan felt a bit saddened by it, having hoped that Gilbert would allow him to.

"Goodnight, Gilbert," Ivan said and turned to walk away. Just as he did, he felt something. He looked down to see Gilbert's pale fingers loosely wrapped around his wrist. Gilbert was still glancing off to the side as before, but this time his expression was softer and looked almost grumpy, similar to the old Gilbert that he was used to.

Despite it being obvious what Gilbert was telling him, Ivan still wasn't sure if he should stay or not. He was scared that Gilbert would regret it and change his mind. Even in the face of his anxiety, Ivan sat on the bed beside Gilbert, Gilbert rested on his back and tugged the blanket towards his face. Ivan saw the tension leave his body and his face softened as he relaxed, and Ivan smiled. He was glad that Gilbert allowed him to stay, but at first, he didn't analyze why Gilbert wanted him to stay. When he did, he felt a swell in his chest that he knew was happiness. 

Maybe Gilbert finally wanted to be his friend?

Within a few minutes, he saw Gilbert's breathing soften. Although, Ivan stayed for another 5 or 10 minutes just watching him finally resting after a long day. Carefully, he stood up, Gilbert grunted softly in his sleep and Ivan smiled. He tucked him in one last time, brushed his white bangs from his forehead and leaned down. 

He hesitated, but then gently pressed his lips to Gilbert's forehead.

"Everything will be okay," he whispered and moved back. He stood there for a moment and watched him look so peaceful now, his breathing soft and quiet. Ivan turned and went to the door, then flipped the light off. Lights from the city outside lit the room with a soft blue-black glow, and Ivan watched for just a bit longer before leaving, not wanting to leave him.

Moments after the door closed, Gilbert's eyes slid open just a little and he stared up at the ceiling. He bit his lip, reached a hand up, and touched his forehead where Ivan had kissed him. Suddenly he felt warmer, his cheeks burned slightly, and his heart fluttered. After a few seconds, he tugged the blanket over his head and curled up into a ball.

**Author's Note:**

> **Thanks for reading!**   
**Remember to leave a comment if you enjoyed! Thank you! 💕**
> 
> Ah, angst. I'm glad I finally wrote this part. 
> 
> **Author's notes/thoughts:**  
-Gilbert has a hard time expressing his feelings, especially if they don't fit the mold of what's considered strong. That's why he uses physical language to express himself, such as giving Ivan looks, pushing on him, or grabbing him.  
**—**
> 
> **Social links:** <https://linktr.ee/prubun>


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